I love my computer(XBOX)

Jack was strolling through the wonderful park with his football and a sandwich :Jack loved football that was all he would play!He brung his luxurious sandwich otherwise he would be hungry because he was going to play football for like four hours which is a long time however he is very energetic.Four hours later,he hurried home because it very dark and his mum shouted at him”DON’T COME BACK WHEN ITS DARK OTHERWISE…” So he better run,Jack got home and slammed the door”WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?”shouted his mother no reply.He charged up stairs to see his white, battery has been blown up…


Comments

I love my computer(XBOX) — 1 Comment

  1. Dear Archie,

    A really nice story! This is a very familiar piece of descriptive writing. You form an believable character from an everyday sport like football. The piece really brings out the realism, espcially the mother’s warning. I can relate to this as I would often go and play football with friends, and would have to adhere to any restrictions in place. I like the way you describe your mother’s anger, giving the piece some serious contrast. You demonstrate good use of grammar and punctuation, such as your use of quotation marks. I wonder why the battery blew up? Keep up the good work! 

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